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Grand Poobah


If I were the Grand Poobah of the known universe, Brussel Sprouts would be illegal.  Besides, they are impersonating a cabbage; it’s in poor taste.

The Optical 20/20 store at Brock St. and Dundas would be forced to repaint the exterior of his store.  Obviously, the shame of the current exterior is not sufficiently embarrassing enough to warrant this action for his own behalf.

From this day forward, I would immediately suspend the practice of butchering our beautiful trees along the boulevards of Whitby for the sake of a few hydro wires.  When was the last time you heard of a Maple or Linden tree collapsing on hydro wires?

Adelaide and Manning would be connected the way God intended them to be.  On the eighth day, God created the automobile.

The last time I checked, there was no other planet available with a climate satisfactory to sustain human life.  Therefore, those who complain about composting, and saving the environment in general, should be housed in a “Garbage Gulag” where they can pontificate the sheer mass of human consumption and its commensurate waste.  Litterbugs would likewise be banished to said camps to languish in the resulting morass of their insensitivity to Mother Earth and their fellow man.

People who bring more than 8 items to the express check-out of a grocery store should be charged double the price for each item over and above the maximum of 8.  This action would immediately rectify their selfishness and delight shoppers across the globe.

Half loaves of bread should be available for purchase for single people and couples.

Between Friday, 4 pm. E.S.T., and Monday, 9 am. E.S.T., during the hours of which, there is no stock market trading, the price of gasoline would remain the same.  It would never change, and any gas station that did so would be set upon by the denizens of its community with sabers, pitch-forks, shovels, machetes, batons, and large melons.

People who make unsafe left turns would be retrained by Police officers and E.M.S. personnel, but not before they were shown the photos of fatalities resulting from such demonstrably poor judgement.  What is there not to understand about waiting, unequivocally, for oncoming traffic to clear?

George Bush would be forced alá Alex in the film “A Clockwork Orange”, to watch and read historical anecdotes on the propensity of man to make the same mistakes over and over and over and over…well, you get the picture.
Journalists that sensationalize or practice fear mongering, would be transferred to the obituary department where they would spend the remainder of their career.

Voicemail?  Don’t even go there.  Consumers should boycott any company that has a wholly automated voicemail system.  No, seriously.  I am not being facetious.  I really mean it.  No, really, I’m not kidding.

Aftermarket muffler exhaust kits would be removed from all automobiles and re-installed in the kitchens of said owners.  This would be followed by Penis-Envy counseling.

All land currently occupied by migrating flocks of Canada Geese, particularly the stretch along Salem between Hwy. 2 and Rossland, would permanently be persona non grata to commercial, retail, or residential development of any kind.  Amen.

The Canadian Automotive Museum would get a facelift befitting of the heritage of its community.  In its current state, it is a travesty of unbearable disgrace.  Combined with the GM murals on the Oshawa bus station – no really, isn’t time someone said so – they suggest Oshawa is terrified of even a scintilla of class or sophistication, to say nothing of pride.

And, finally, as Grand Poobah of the known universe, I would make a significant portion of mortgage payments eligible for income-tax deductions.

I remain, your humble Grand Poobah.


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